Grace

what i assumed was sickness from a few too many shots, i’m starting to think was just carried on and made worse by you. i’ve felt nothing but waves of nausea since you made that stupid decision. why the HELL would you send that to me? did you really think that was a good idea? that my heart wouldn’t break in a million bitty pieces? once broken, now shattered. i had just begun to move on, enough to finally have feelings for someone else. now it’s back to square one. thanks asshole.

you probably didn’t mean to upset me. but sometimes i wonder if you do and say things for certain reasons.

WHYYY do i even still care? this is dumb. i am going to move away soon, where real men live, and find one. NO. one will find me :)

people suck. i’m tired of being taken advantage of. tired of fair-weather folk. I’m starting to see people for who they really are, not just who they are to me. I guess I’m really just tired of humanity.

I’m done trying to have friends. I want to see who the real ones are. I want to see who cares enough to make the plans, the first move, whatever.

There are some people I know I can always count on. Kaity butt is one of those people. She is my best friend. Hannah little is another. She’s been one of my best friends for like four years, i know shell always be there.

Everyone else can go to hell. Just kidding of course. Im just being bitter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a hot date with a hot pizza.

i feel i need to get out of my head and explain some things that have been completely consuming me lately. i have completely lost my mind, so with that being said, here goes.

i thought moving out was going to fix my loneliness and make me feel like my time in quincy is at least somewhat worthwhile. i’ve found that’s not true. i’m still completely lonely, though never really alone. in a room full of people that i love, i still feel alone. i still feel empty. i know i said i wanted to struggle, and i am. i feel bad complaining because honestly, it’s not bad at all. it’s just not fixing the problems i thought it would. i thought it would teach me what was truly important in life, and it hasn’t really. it’s just causing me to worry, worry, worry. worry about money, worry about food, worry about anna, worry about work, worry about cleaning. none of that even matters, except anna obviously. i’m so close to losing my job, i’m frightened. i have $30 to my name. but what even matters anymore? i used to be able to quickly answer that question with a smile and a glance upwards, but i won’t lie here. He hasn’t been present for months. He left when he left and my heart hasn’t been the same since. it makes me sick that i feel i need a guy in my life to fill a void when the only one i need i can’t even find, or accept. maybe mostly accept. i’m in kansas city, surrounded by strangers, and i’m completely content. changing the scenery changes my disposition every time. well, coming to kansas city changes my disposition every time. this is where i want to be. this is the only place i want to be. and i’ve decided, this is where i’ll be in one year from now. with school acceptance or without, this is where i need to be. with my real family, who accepts me as i am, not as they want me to be. and i can find real friends, great friends, who accept me as i am, not for who they want me to be. not for who they hope i can be with some half-hearted prayer they condescendingly say, instead of actually talking to me and trying to help me with my problems. i make myself sick. i am rotten, poisonous, heartless. don’t come too close, you’ll get infected! maybe that’s why all my friends have left. i guess i don’t blame you, any of you. i’d abandon me, too. and the one true friend in Christ that i have, whom i love dearly, is the one i can barely stand to be around, because of my own selfish thoughts and feelings. but he is still one of my closest friends, and one of the only ones i want to be around, even if it hurts sometimes. everything hurts, so no big deal. we’re all dying. we all live for the same reasons, sure you can argue, but i’m not going to argue back. i’m done speaking of my beliefs for a while. they’re my beliefs. needless to say i’ve dug myself into a hole. the sadder i get, the deeper i dig. but i’m not ready to climb out yet. i need to sit here and think about where i really want to be, who i really want to be, and then i’ll climb back out and see the sun. no worries. 

it’s been a while, and not much has changed.

i’m losing hope in everything. i’ve given up on a lot of things and people in my life, which is adding to the vicious cycle of hopelessness and general sadness i feel. i wish i could trust in Him but i can’t really trust in anything anymore. i just want to be happy. i want to be myself, but whenever i try that i get judgmental opinions and snarky tumblr posts written about me. maybe this isn’t me. i really don’t know anymore.

i’m losing myself and losing all hope in finding me.

pray, help me find my grace.

when i’m with you, i can only think that you’re not the one I want. when you’re here, i’m wishing he was instead.

how do people just turn off feelings like a light switch? i just don’t get it.

I’m sorry that my tumblr is nothing but me whining. bleehhhhh